HOT OR SCOTT? BEST MACHO CAMEL TOE HIDERS

Every man does it. Your doctor. Your optician. Maybe even your dad. At least once in their lives, 95% of men (facts not factual) are given to dressing up in a female relative’s clothing and saying to themselves in the mirror, “hey there, Ms. Pfeiffer”. With this level of burgeoning acceptance for transvestites in today’s society, it’s no wonder that they’ve filtered through into modern cinema with such fancy aplomb. Not since the Snow White-related midget implosion of the 30’s has a subculture received so much exposure. So to celebrate this -with platform boots and sticky tape at the ready- here’s an utterly inconsequential list of the 5 best and worst filmic incarnations of our sexually confusing friends.

5. Douglas Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger) -Total Recall

With a plot thicker than a Geordie lass at a pub quiz, it’d be easy to forget that the former Governor of California pranced around on Mars trying to avoid Michael Ironside whilst dressed up like Tootsie on horse steroids. There’s all sorts of subtle commentary about existentialism, commercialism and the like that is almost entirely negated by Arnie in your mother’s summer blouse. There’s also a bit where the world’s most horribly inbred kangaroo is a revolutionary. And there’s also Tri-Boob. Essentially, if you’re a man and you have any memory of this film apart from Tri-Boob then you deserve five gold stars.

Oh, Tri-Boob: how I love you so.

FUN FACT: There’s a remake out this year and it’s going to be exceptionally shit. HOORAY.

4. Buffalo Bill (Ted Levine) – The Silence of the Lambs

Not since Mel Gibson has one man given me so much inspiration for picking-up women in bars. If “it puts the lotion on its skin…” isn’t a guaranteed winner with the opposite sex, then I don’t know what is. Hitting them over the head with crutches, throwing them into your van and subjecting them to days of psychological torture at the bottom of a well? Also an option. Buffalo Bill’s only wish is to become a woman. His method of joining the opposite gender? Killing women and sewing a bodysuit out of their skin. You can almost hear Leatherface saying “too far, bro”.

In at 4 with you, Bill, you seriously warped mothertucker.

3. Ruby Rhod (Chris Tucker) – The Fifth Element

From one cross-dressing mothertucker to another, I give you potentially the most abhorrent being in cinema since Jar Jar was shat onto Naboo. It’s hard to pinpoint the one overwhelming negative in regards to this monster. Could it be the Andy Warhol x Johnny Bravo-in-a-wind-tunnel hairstyle? The loud, brash outfits that make you want to sick on all of your loved one’s jumpers in despair? Oh wait, I’ve got it. It’s the fucking noise that comes out of his mouth. If you haven’t had the pleasure of hearing it, let me break it down for you:

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETHERE’SABOMB

OGAWDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”

That’s it. For about 30 minutes. To 3 you go, Rhod, you nonsense twat. 

2. Noxeema (Wesley Snipes) - To Wong Foo…

“Vampire Killer. B-Baller. Bitching in tights.”

With a C.V like that, it really does make me wonder why the Snipes of old hasn’t been lighting up Hollywood like he used to. What’s that? Bit of law trouble you say? Tax evas—oh my.

Possibly the most contentious entry on the list, good ol’ Wes earns his place ahead of other more well-known contenders for one reason. I really didn’t think, at any point during my life, I would see Blade punching people in the throat in a fabulous, glitzy dress that barely covers his vegetables. I can now gladly say I have thanks to this film.

The film entails three glamorous drag queens clickity-clacking their heels across America because…I’m not sure. The overall tone I got from it was Fear and Loathing meets Edward Scissorhands and that’s all you ever need from life and also, Blade in a dress. Netflix this film if you appreciate anything about anything.

1. Daniel Hillard/Mrs Doubtfire (Robin Williams) - Mrs. Doubtfire

Come on. Did you really expect the Keyser Soze of trannies to claim anywhere apart from the top spot? Be real.

If you’re not familiar with the plot: seek help. But just for you miscreants who haven’t, Mrs. Doubtfire revolves around Robin Williams’ attempts as an estranged parent to spend as much as time with his kids as possible. What does he do, join Fathers For Justice? Nope (although seeing the Williams dressed up like Thor would be something). He decides to go ghost recon into the family house as a nanny by wearing a costume that can only described as looking like an extra from Downton Abbey after 12 Sambucas and a line of napalm. Latex hilarities ensue, as do several wildly distressing years for me in my ‘special time’. Ever since watching this is as a young child, whenever I see a pseudo-woman with flaming breasts hitting themselves with pans, I need to be excused for about five minutes.

General other stuff happens: he gets to be near his kids, he reconciles with the ex-wife, there’s some cocaine and then everyone dances to Jamiroquai and has a go on his pillow tits for about an hour. I may need to re-watch this film.

 

Mrs. Doubtfire (Recut) from Peter Javidpour on Vimeo.

And so the top spot for the King/Queen of the Best Ever Film Character of Questionable Genitalia goes to Mrs. Doubtfire! Well done to everyone who took part with their private parts and finally, here are some honourable mentions:

Hugo Weaving, Priscilla, Queen of the Desert- Agentess Smith.

Eowyn, Return of the King- She ain’t no man.

Felicity Huffman, Transamerica- Desperate Housewhat.

Dustin Hoffman, Tootsie- less prestigious than Arnie in Total Recall, apparently.

Jared Leto, every film she’s been in- Stop living a lie, Jaredetta.

 

JIMMY DONNELLAN @JimmyDonemelons