JIM AND GARY FIX IT FOR YOUTH


Since the rise of ‘reality’ television, celebrity ‘culture’ and fashionable idiocy, we’ve been exposed to some very odd fads and fashions. Of course, the strangest is the vajazzle, the practice of ‘glamming’ up a vagina with sticky, sparkling stones. This phenomenon didn’t quite become common practice but did spawn the ill-received peenjazzle, for men. However, it has now become clear that an altogether stranger fad is settling in, which has got some impressionable men getting crafty with their junk.

Glitterballing, or glitterballs, is a DIY customisation of the testicles. The man simply spreads PVA glue all over his testicles and then dusts them with their glitter of choice. It is thought that traditionalists use semen as their sticking agent but that this has more inconsistent results.

Stockport, which is known as ‘Manchester’s Excrement’ due to it’s geographical position, is claiming ownership of glitterballing, much like Essex took on the vajazzle and illiteracy. In Stockport, where ironic spectacles are still causing real excitement, glitterballing has found it’s spiritual home. 4am takeaway lights are now not only highlighting sweat-streaked fake tan, but also the glitter-covered chins of staggering drunks.

It is even thought the Stockport branch of Primark will be first to stock glitterballing kits, complete with a specially shaped bowl for easy dipping. This branch of Primark is of course famous for being the first to stock fishnet stockings in toddlers sizes and for being told to remove children’s tracksuits baring the word ‘whore’ from their shelves. As with most ‘new’ fashions, it can usually be found that their roots go much deeper.

It is believed that this trend not only gets its name due to the obvious, but also due to its history. Gary Glitter and Jimmy Savile were pioneers in glitterballing when it was part of a tight underground scene in the 70s. The story goes that the ‘Ball Brothers’ came up with the idea in coke frenzy, reasoning that kids love shiny things, and what shines more than glitter? Well, gold, but only Dutch meglomaniacs can afford to have their member made from such an expensive metal. Glitter found that the craft corner in his High Street Woolworths was a great place to source his dipping material, whilst also enjoying getting his sweat on near the pick ‘n’ mix.

Now the trend is gathering pace, with kids and idiots everywhere dipping their balls into glitter. The low cost of the look adds to the appeal, as use of cheap glitter isn’t really frowned upon. It seems the way to really stand out is to get great coverage, with a very sharply defined line where ballsack becomes shaft. It’s surely only a matter of time until glitterballing gets airtime on television, invades lives everywhere and generates ‘water-cooler’ chatter. Wider, sociological implications have yet to be seen.

One researcher recently put together a report confirming that since “awful, unintelligent whores like Jordan and Cheryl Tweedy” are being positioned as role models to children, the mainstream media is actually affecting evolution. The academic hypothesises that the manipulation of youngsters could lead to a split in the human species. The report stopped short of saying that human babies may soon be born orange, as had been put forward by an academic in Dundee, who turned out to be simply very pissed.

Glitterballing has been roundly shunned by the gay community who said of the practice “it seems retarded, we don’t want glitter in our mouths, just smooth balls. And dicks, of course.” It is still to be seen who will be the first celebrity glitterballer, as we’ll have to wait a little longer for the shame bar to plunge further. In terms of wider appeal, we can only wait and see. It is rumoured that Gok Wan said at recent party that he “would if he could,” and in the amoral fashion world anything can be re-appropriated and drawn upon, so expect this story to be bouncing around for a while.

Fiction by @byCBallinger