ONE-EYED MONSTER

 

“What are you doing tonight?”

“I’m going to watch a horror film where the monster is Ron Jeremy’s dick.”

 

Lost in a world of my own making, I find distraction with One Eyed Monster. This is not a declaration of a change in orientation, but a task from Brain Wash HQ. It has been decided my words on the subject of a piece of trash horror are required. This will be my first experience of a Ron Jeremy film, as I tend to select porn based on the female factor rather than the presence of a well-hung portly male porn star.

I believe the set-up of this film is that a porn cast and crew wisely decide to shoot some scenes in a remote cabin when a storm is forecast. The opening minute confirms that all as true and even positions it as such. 17 seconds deep and I get the first pun on ‘coming’, on-screen text nailing it home. A radio broadcast tells me a storm is coming whilst paper-thin characters are paraded with their motivation on their sleeves.

Fucking hell, the first tune on the soundtrack is ‘Monster’ by The Automatic, a terrible song that I believe is about being pissed. Oh, I get it. Monster. One Eyed Monster. It’s a slow start for me, I skin up whilst my half-dead MacBook struggles to play the download.

So, Ron Jeremy is playing his 9 ¾ inch cock self (how long is this film?) and the rest of cast is bulked out on TV actors and porn stars. Holy shit! The obligatory local yokel says a “snow storm is going to hit,” and that the only other person in the area is a ‘Nam vet mentalist (they also point out a distant communication tower which will probably be handy later when the cock massacre starts). This is a classic set-up, they’re ticking all the boxes. I can’t wait for the gratuitous nudity to start, it’s my favourite part.

The pros chat amongst themselves, throwing around talk of “ball work” and “ass-licking scenes.” They’re laying on the parody thick and not taking a thing seriously. SUB-PLOT! Older porn star feels over the hill and Ron’s getting a bit jaded too. What a deeply unattractive man Ron Jeremy is, yet he’s banged more chicks than I’ve even eyeballed. His charm is sort of limited too, “you are a porn star, show him what porn STARS are made of.” This is said during a pep-talk with the older woman who wants to be in the film. She bangs the director, naturally, whilst showcasing her ‘secret weapon’: she can control her vaginal muscles to the point she can control a man’s orgasm. I’d like to meet her.

No nudity during the bangs, which is a let-down. 15 minutes and not a single boob. It seems that a geek operating a boom has invented a fuck machine for men that feels like you’re fucking any celebrity (in any orifice). It sounds good, but I’m not sure I want to put my dick in any kind of machine. In another delicate touch, Ron’s character acts ‘badly’ when on set. Not that he acts well at any point, but you can see the lengths they’ve gone to here. Anyway, jaded Ron takes a pee-break and gets struck by some shit from space, yet barely notices. Back on set, his dick tears into his co-star before severing itself and escaping. The woman is plugged tastefully with a tampon (a legit survival technique), whilst Ron dies with the famous last words “hey, remember when I fucked that chick that time?”

So the set-up is complete, which is often the time I get bored. Hang on, tits. Porn star Carmen Hart is practicing her lines, mainly sexual exclamations, in lingerie whilst working on her physical routine. Best bit so far, love tits. Then she’s seen through the eye of the dick, oh yes, they went for POV cock-cam. Then she’s killed in the mouth, of course.

Now begins a trail of deaths, the slutty and the cowardly going first; there’s some seriously solid trash horror writing going on here. The ‘Nam vet shows up right on time, planning attack and telling the finest war story I’ve ever heard; he even works the ‘I’ve seen this kind of thing before’ angle. The old man is Charles Napier who I think was in Rambo, so giving the piece an edge of luxury, an injection of talent.

Unbelievably, this thing really only jumps the shark when someone is found plastered to a wall with semen, as if Spiderman swung by. It just isn’t consistent, as the dick usually penetrates or strangles people to death, which is logical, but its balls are only so big. I’m really not happy about this super-semen issue but it’s sort of tempered when there are fun anal deaths going on. Still, no more nudity. I know I could google some boobs, but it’s nice to be surprised every now and then.

I fear I’ve seen the best of this film, yet the climactic scene really is a thing of wonder. I hate to spoil endings, so I’ll not reveal the true hero, but I just didn’t see it coming. (At this point, I’ve been exposed to so many smutty puns I’m sticking them in everywhere without even noticing). They even take time to open up the possibility of a sequel, which I’m not sure is absolutely necessary.

I recommend this film to anyone who's high as fuck, as it’ll be entertaining only to minds that are struggling to give a shit about anything. I’m sort of disappointed about the lack of nudity, but I suppose it’s sort of admirable that they kept it to a balls-out comedy. Anyway, after watching something so strange, I barely know what to do, maybe I should watch something weirder? Some porn perhaps. Ron Jeremy porn? That would be weird, but no weirder than the time I googled Jennifer Connelly’s tits whilst watching Labyrinth.  

CRAIG BALLINGER