GUN SEX OR VAGINA BELLIES? WHAT ALIEN GETS YOUR DICK HOT

Watching science fiction is such a cerebral process, as we have both fact and folklore combined. We tell ourselves that these aliens and monsters are probable because the science tells us so. So when we’re confronted with these elements and then faced with BREEDING, our minds begin to question our own existence. Also, aliens are hot. Thus lies our fascination and, more importantly, my introduction to kinky sex before I could watch porn.

Species (1995) Dir. Roger Donaldson

WOAH THERE Natasha Henstridge, you kinky little sex beast. Not only is she beautiful, but also she’s AN ALIEN. Which means she could maybe do some crazy sexy stuff with flexibility and other bits that stick where they aren’t meant to stick and OH NATASHA, I’M ORGASMING ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE. That’s how I watched the film, anyway. Natasha, or ‘Sil’ wants to mate with everyone she sees, dying to breed and give birth thus carrying on her own hybrid race of creatures to take over the world. She manages to bang someone and then kills him right after, running away screaming ‘I DUN HAV YOUR BABY’. So hot that gurl.

Barbarella (1968) Dir. Roger Vadium

This wonderful girl-saves-world flick stars Jane Fonda as the classic one and only alien vixen, Barbarella. She spends the whole film in fantastically reveling outfits, seducing men AND women. To be fair, this film can also be classed as a comedy; Jane Fonda’s facial expressions in that strange machine which gives her orgasms will always make me laugh till I pee. My favourite of her outfits (because that’s what the film is REALLY about) is her see-through boob cups.

The Man Who Fell To Earth (1976) Dir. Nicolas Roeg

David Bowie, on of the most beautiful creatures to have ever graced our lives is in a film as an alien. Does that mean he is one? His beauty exceeds our race? I hope not, I still want to do him, and I’m not sure I’m into inter-species breeding. Bowie lives among us, falls in love and has lots of sex with ‘Mary-Lou’. He gets found out and experiments are done and blah blah…BOWIE! The sex scene with a gun is so ‘entertaining’ (in quotation marks because I’m not sure if I can say gun sex is hot?) and makes you wonder about Bowie’s own mortality as an alien. Loaded with blanks or not, is he able to die? GUN SEX!

Lifeforce (1985) Dir. Tobe Hooper

This film revolves around an alien vampire. You read that. Stop re-reading it. I have more to say than just that. Yes I know, I could just stop there. Instead of drinking the blood of humans, like all those fluffy R.Patz vamps, this sexy female alien sucks the LIFEFORCE of humans. Geddit? Like the title! Basically, she gets naked a lot while grinding against men, boobies flopping everywhere and kisses the life out of them. HOT AY?

Videodrome (1983) Dir. David Cronenberg

When I first saw this, all I could concentrate on was appreciating Debbie Harry. I then re-watched it and finally watched the film for the subject matter. Please anticipate that you’ll have to do this also, I do apologise, but Debbie Harry guys. C’MON. The film starts off with videos of violent sexual acts, which gets everyone (me) all hot and bothered. James Woods even at one point removes a gun from a vagina in his stomach. The film is basically one massive euphemism for vaginas and titwanks, so take your clothes off, lube up, relax and enjoy your wank-a-thon to death.

PEATREE BOJANGLES