As I am sure you're aware, Nicolas Cage has recently been outed as a creature of the night. One of the toothy undead. A neck-hungering nosferatu.

A soulless bloody VAMPIRE.

Mr Jack Mord of Seattle has released irrefutable proof in the form of a photograph taken during the American Civil War circa 1864.

The press are claiming that Cage has not yet confirmed or denied this evidence, though I would beg to differ:

The reason this shocking story hasn't yet become bigger news is that Cage is protected. Hundreds of years walking the Earth have allowed him to penetrate the American elite like his glistening fangs have many a young virgin's neck.

Supposedly the nephew of napalm loving mafia Don: Francis Ford Coppola, Ol' Cage has never been denied a desired acting role, however absurd. His hunger for fame quickly outgrowing his cold breathed desire for human blood.

His talents as an actor have rocketed over the years. Here he demonstrates an early ability to steal a scene:

This raw talent might explain his growing desire for cinema's lifeblood over that of a humans, his fanatical energies devouring all he encounters:

As well as Nicolas Cage's long lived façade being done away with, so too has John Travolta been dragged from the shadows of sin and into internet conspiracy forums. Unlike Cage, the photograph has been greeted with great scepticism.

Travolta doesn't wear the insanity of a beast who has smelt his own blood like Cage but yes, he too, is NOSFERATU.

As well as Travolta I know of three more Civil War era photographs outing the son's of the Devil. Together they are the Five Children of the Crossroads and I will name them exclusively now on BRAIN WASH.

They are: Tom Cruise, Kiefer Sutherland and somewhat unsurprisingly Charlie Sheen.

These bloodsucking demons have all turned fang from beating pulse to blockbuster gross. I do not expect my words to travel far but next time Cage or one of his fellow bastards of blood take to the silver screen pay close attention to the fevered hunger they posses. To the cold desire for death in their eyes.

Go see the next Nicholas Cage film (be that Trespass or Ghostrider 2) and tell me then that you don't leave feeling bloodless and just a little desperate for death.

You have been warned.

God speed sons and daughters of cinema. 

Words and illustration by RICHARD MANDERS